A few years after getting married, I found my wife had changed into someone I barely recognized. We no longer had our late-night talks; even small things sparked arguments, and she had stopped doing things she once loved, like cooking. I was sure I hadn’t changed, so why had she? Instead of talking about it, I vented to my mother and even expressed a desire to leave. After hearing me out, my mother called my wife, and from their conversation, I realized the ways I had unknowingly turned our marriage toxic.

1. Inconsistency
Before marriage, I’d often grab dinner with friends at a local bar. After we married, she’d cook for me, but some nights, I’d still join my friends without telling her. She’d prepare meals, only for me to skip them, which led to frustration. This inconsistency made her feel her efforts weren’t valued, so she eventually stopped. Consistency matters, and failing to maintain it can leave a partner feeling unappreciated.

2. Dishonesty
Sometimes, I’d hang out with people she didn’t approve of, and rather than facing it, I’d lie. I’d rationalize it, thinking, “It’s for her own good.” Occasionally, I’d even be somewhat inappropriate with female friends and hide it from her. She would see signs of what looked like unfaithfulness, which eroded her trust and made her suspicious. Lies, however small, can lead to huge breakdowns in trust, making honest communication essential.

3. Taking Things Personally
My wife had a great sense of humor and loved playful teasing, but I wasn’t used to it and took offense easily. Over time, she stopped joking with me and instead joked around with others who could appreciate it. My sensitivity led to her pulling away, while others became her audience. A sense of humor brings lightness to relationships, and getting defensive can isolate you from your partner.

4. Taking Her for Granted
Once we married, I assumed she’d always be there, which led me to focus on others instead of her. Over time, she learned to be independent and started finding her own interests, which made me feel even more neglected. When we take someone’s presence for granted, we teach them to be self-sufficient, which can ultimately distance them.

These realizations were humbling. There’s more to share, but I hope these points serve as reminders of how easy it is to unknowingly damage a relationship.